Its Monday, I’ve just had a holiday and am feeling refreshed. Well, for now I am. Its all so temporary isn't it? My holiday was full of learning and plan making and hopefully moving closer to achieving some of my life goals.
Sometimes my mind is just abuzz with all the things I want to achieve in life. I mean the list is so very long; be fluent in German, Arabic, French and Spanish, be a pro photographer, be an activist and campaigner and basically CHANGE THE WORLD! I mean, I do have a life time to do these things. And amongst all this I want to be a great sister and daughter, partner and friend. How can I do it all?! I flutter from aspirations to study fine art or politics and international relations to wanting to be a business woman and wonder woman extraordinaire!
Here’s my rationale:
After having a stressful few years of non stop chaos, illness and then severe depression, I am trying to claw back and relinquish that lost time. But time is just an illusion, it evades us. I wake up at 7am and think I am going to get shit done today. And I write and plan but sometimes feel frustrated that change doesn’t happen soon enough. There’s an impatience there.
I know that I don't always feel on top form, I am for the most part healthy and balanced again but fear the low moods may encompass and envelop me.
The truth I need to remind myself of is; slowly, slowly I am growing, changing and healing.
The trick is to know yourself. This is my personality; hectic and curious, wanting it all some days and yet needing to hibernate the next. Does it cross over with my illness? The lines are so blurred. I’m always in search of something new, does this mean I am not content? No, not all. Of course I could be more successful, earn more, but essentially I have the components of a great life.
I have learned to accept that one needs balance. I feel motivated and driven which is fantastic but I need to be wary that my mind is not always clear and focussed but can be cluttered and hectic!
There’s no right or wrong and part of my healing is to learn to love who I am, warts and all.
My message to you is, even when times are hard and change is at a snail’s pace; small steps really are amazing and you should applaud yourself. As they say Rome wasn't built in a day.
Acceptance and self love, is really the first step, the rest will follow.
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