I have not been sleeping. The spring sun shines brightly into my room and my body clock adjusts. Gah. It is 5:15 am. Some mornings I'm awake at 4:00 am. I stir, and think wow, I should use this time.
Yesterday, I got up and wrote a post. I watched videos and I read.
I don't know if it was emotions overrunning, hormones, tiredness or anything else but yesterday I felt a rush of gratitude. I was reflecting on my weekend. I had had a great time, catching up with friends, meeting new people and partying. I generally felt that I was living life to the fullest, having new experiences and most importantly having fun.
I felt alive. I was making connections. I was engaged, present and felt wholly myself.
What happened next... I was overcome by a wave of emotion, of acceptance and gratitude. I cried with happiness. I was alive and I was doing ok. No, not just ok, but achieving and moving forward.
What struck me was this comparison. Only nine months ago I was at my very lowest and in a horrific depressive episode.
When you’ve hit rock bottom and all you see is darkness and you cannot find reasons to go on, it is completely soul destroying. Everything you have ever loved is sucked into a black hole. Its a void, Its numbing. It is pain. I never want to go back to that darkness, yet I fear at some point I will have to face those demons head first and fight them.
That was my realisation. I have conquered this.
I can comfortably say I have not felt depression for some time now. And because of that, I appreciate every small step I am able to take.
Getting up and working every day is an achievement. Exercising is an achievement. Eating is an achievement. Putting makeup on is an achievement.
I feel proud because It's been said how positive I am. Yes, I am a cup half full gal. However, if anyone knew that I’d planned my own death and attempted suicide, I think they’d be shocked. This is my battle. Remaining positive and balanced whilst remaining healthy and sane.
I felt overwhelmed because I was proud of myself. I looked around me at the amazing people I know and thought "Wow". I have great friends and have been living FULLY. I have been embracing new experiences and whilst at times I’m knackered, and oh so tired, I’m not letting Bi-Polar stand in my way.