Now I have had mixed feelings about medication. To begin with, when I was first hospitalised over 10 years ago I was put on Risperidone, an antipsychotic. (There’s that horrible word again.) It made me nervous, full of energy, I was hallucinating still. It was only a temporary measure but I came off it because I didn't like the side effects. This was a BAD decision. I was young and naive and in denial.
Coming off it only made me fall into a deep depression when I was back at university whereby I was trying to unravel what had happened. This lasted for about eight months. I'm sure this could have been prevented if I took myself to the doctor or simply understood that I was depressed in the first place.
It is really imperative that you go to see a doctor and discuss your medication. I have been very anti-medication mainly because I thought, taking medication made me weak. I didn’t want to accept defeat and accept that I needed a helping hand.
This is where the stigma rears its ugly head again. I was scared to admit I needed help. But mental health is just the same as physical health and should be treated equally. Therefore if you have pain, you would take a painkiller, or you have diabetes you have your insulin with you at all times. It took me a while to consider the same to be true of mental health. It should be that simple.
With Bi-polar, you really do need medication to regulate your mood. I had a period of insomnia which was HORRIBLE and that was mainly because I stopped taking my meds. I thought I could get well all by myself.I couldn’t.
I fell into a dark depression. AGAIN. I hadn't learned. I felt unable to move. Unable to shower and eat. Every day was a struggle. It was only after receiving a call from my caseworker that it dawned on me. She told me off for not taking my meds- of course, this was what had unsettled me. The link was clear. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and stayed on Olanzapine. This helped me immensely.
Everyone is different but just think of medication as your daily dose of vitamins.
I have tried different medications. One caused weight gain which only encouraged a negative voice inside my head that I was ugly and fat etc so I tried another. Now, my new meds have some side effects of restlessness, trouble sleeping and possible weight loss (woo-hoo). But seriously, with this heat I am waking up at 4.30am. Realistically I am only getting 5 and a half hours sleep. This is not great at all. But I’m in between a rock and a hard place. Part of me doesn't even want to take meds but I am trying to follow my own advice. As hard as that is. I hope I find something that works for me.
I’m urging you, go to the doctor regularly, medication is your friend, not your enemy. We all need support in whatever form that may be.
It took two bouts of really horrible depression for me to realise that I needed that mood stabiliser otherwise I wouldn't feel better. If you can, make taking meds part of your daily routine.
Remember, it can just be a temporary measure also, until you are stable. There is a huge variety of medication out there so talk to a psychiatrist or doctor and get what is right for you.
Its been a year now since I was in that dark depression and I'm still not out of the woods but with time and being sensible, I hope I'll keep getting better.
DISCLOSURE: I am not a psychiatrist or doctor and cannot advise you on what medication you should take and how often. Side effects vary from person to person and I am writing about my own experience with medication only.
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